Saturday, November 22, 2008

Dreams in Balance

I had a dream that there was an open house at my house. Of course it didn't look anything like my house, and that seems to be the way it always is with my dreams. The front part of the house was a classroom or playroom combination that seemed ready for kids in the preschool to 1st grade age levels. There were strangers there with their kids, but in the dream I knew who they were and why they were there. The back rooms of the house were the living area and it was definitely not ready for guests, let alone people coming in to see the house. There were crumbs on the dining room table and dishes were stacked next to the sink. The beds were not made and there were piles of laundry in each bedroom. What a nightmare. I remember feeling anger at my family for not doing their part because, in my dream state, I knew that the house was clean when I left. I was flustered and embarrassed, but no one there seemed to notice the mess except me.

This is more of a beginning of the school year dream from years when I taught younger kids. I am sure that the dream probably stemmed from images I saw on an e-mail sent to me by someone on my drill team yesterday. It was a set of pictures with one of those, "how could they really live in this mess?" kind of scenario. The pictures of the mess were quite upsetting to me because they were both graphic and disgusting. But I can honestly say that I have never lived in that kind of a mess, EVER! My worst day has never been that bad.

Waking up from my dream, I put into perspective why I would have a dream of that sort, and then, after a period of meditation, I began to reassure myself that even if someone were to drop by when I do not have the house in order, it is really not that bad. I do though get quite frustrated that others that live here do not have the same standard of clean and order that I do. But since I am not going to be the one that does it all, I have to learn to accept what I get from others here, and learn to overlook a few crumbs on the table or dishes stacked next to the sink. It's not easy to not nag about things being to my standards. On the other hand I am always afraid that if I don't get it the way I want it, that one day I will just loose all of my control. I have to remind myself that people I love live here, and they don't always have the "leave no trace" skill that I would like them to practice.

I am so glad that I am learning to enjoy moments as they come and to love and appreciate the fact that my family is here and close. I can model how to do things "right" and pray that one day they get it. Of course I have my times where I regress, but I tell myself I need to enjoy watching my kids play, and to enjoy sharing the preparation of meals and sitting around the table together. Time together is what is important...but I need to have a bit of order too. I guess that is where I have to regularly work for balance.

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